Happiness

A football player, Kenny McKinley, that used to go to USC killed himself last week. He had just picked up his son from Columbia when his friend was coming over to his apartment/house and saw that he had shot himself. He injured himself last year during Spring training and wasn't able to play last year and then this year he injured himself again and he was most likely not going to be able to play again this year. The doctors had said it wasn't going to end his career but that it was just going to take time to heel completely. He had joked to his friends about how he should just kill himself but nobody took him seriously because he was such a fun loving guy, always joking, laughing, and enjoying life. I am by no means saying that I knew this man but that's what I have gathered from the reports and people that did know him.

The point of all of this is my mom and I were in Gainesville with weekend for the UF v. UK game. We were at Outback because we hadn't gone there in AGES. We started talking about it and I had told her that as bad as I feel for thinking this I don't feel bad for him. I feel more sad for his family that they are having to go through this because he was being so selfish. This wasn't a life changing thing, he was going to be able to play football again but he thought it was the end of everything. I do wish someone could have been there for him to talk to and had shown him what life was really about- that he had so much more to live for. He will never see his child grow up and they won't have him in their life because of the decision that he made. So much is being lost because of this. I don't know what he was thinking but all I can do it pray for his family for their peace of mind because I know it has to be so hard. Please don't attack me for thinking this way because there is a point.

We finished talking about all of this and got onto talking about other stuff and then out of nowhere my mom looks at me and asked me if I had ever tried to commit suicide. I took a huge gulp of my margarita and said no. I felt horrible lying but I was. I had tried two times back 6 years ago. I don't really need to go into major details, but what's most sad is I can't remember why. Why would I think everything would be better if I WEREN'T here?

I wish back when I had all of this occurring within me that I had seen everything that was beautiful around me, all the possibilities that I had, as well as how it would have affected the people that I love the most. Think of all the little things that make life so enjoyable

For me:

1. Hugs
2. Family
3. Traveling
4. TRUE friends
5. Holding hands
6. New furniture
7. Good hair days
8. Being in good health
9. Sleeping in just because
10. The smell of fresh laundry
11. Having a roof over my head
12. Grass moist from the morning
13. My favorite go-to outfit for nights out
14. Local restaurants that I've become a regular
15. The snoring of my nana when she was asleep
16. Being able to make my own decisions each day
17. Walking through the rain because I'm in no rush
18. Staying in with Laine and watching movies all day
19. Walking along the beach and listening to the waves
20. Spending all night on the phone with a great friend
21. Reading a good book and snuggling up on a rainy day
22. Walking down the cobble streets of local clothing shops
23. The color of the leaves when the fall weather is setting in
24. Making family recipes and the smells that fill up my place
25. When I see babies and they get the biggest smile when you
26. Going to concerts where nothing matters but enjoying yourself
27. The smile I get from Laine when I say the punch line of a joke wrong
28. Getting kisses once you get up in the morning, morning breath and all
29. Walking through the mountains and seeing all the natural beauty around
30. Seeing the look in Laine's eyes when we haven't seen each other in a while
31. Driving near the coast with your windows down and being able to smell the ocean
32. Seeing good friends that you haven't seen in a while and being able to spend time together
33. The way my nana would hold my hand when I was telling her a story and the look of pride she always had over her family

Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.

-- Oprah Winfrey

If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.
-- Rabbi Harold Kushner